I’ve been thinking a lot about the practical implications of receiving ice cream the next time I get pulled over. The first thing I’d like to know is, do I get to choose the flavor? I mean I’m already in a car on my way to a destination, because that’s the practical purpose of a car right? Point A to point B. So clearly I don’t have time to be pulled the fuck over for no reason, but if I’m gonna humor this idea I would hope the cop doesn’t assume I like some bullshit butter almond ice cream. The least you can do if I’m gonna get written up for tardiness at work is consider my needs first. Come correct with some mint chocolate chip or don’t come at all. Ok, maybe vanilla, but vanilla bean, not that watered down shit Mr. Softie’s been pushing since the 90s–unless, of course you can get it dipped in that cherry stuff (Mr. Softie stay claiming he “ran out” but then I see some little kids with it after I’ve wasted my time chasing the truck in my flip-flops). Now I know that’s a lot to ask because inflation has it up around $2.50 right now but that ain’t not on me, I didn’t start this.
I’m also concerned with how I should consume said ice cream. Since I’ve already lost valuable time in such a charitable traffic stop, I clearly have to keep going to make up for every second, but ice cream melts so I have to eat it ASAP. I won’t be able to drive with both hands, lord forbid I’m driving stick–or worse–on a motorcycle. Do motorcyclists even deserve ice cream? Do I get a pass for distracted driving if i’m leaning over to catch the tilting cone and swerve into someone else’s lane? What if I cause an ice cream related accident? Do I have to pay the deductible or will you? I mean my insurance rates already took a hit from that time Yana’s friend crashed my car into a deer up in burning crosses PA, so I need answers. Personally I’d suggest the city pay for damages, they have plenty of money from when I lived downtown and paid more in parking tickets than rent. How the fuck you gonna give me a ticket for being on a snow emergency route when it didn’t even snow? I know, meteorologists make mistakes, but damn can we just agree that was fucked up? $160.00 though? Anyway, PPA ain’t shit.
What if I just don’t fucking want ice cream? Have you ever seen that short about tea and consent?
What if I’m diabetic or lactose intolerant and can’t or shouldn’t for whatever reason eat ice cream? Will there be other chilled snack options, sugar and lactose free ones I suppose? If not, isn’t that still a form of discrimination? Are we headed back to where we started? What if I’m a hypochondriac and I believe the ice cream will lead me to diabetes, which causes an anxiety attack, triggering my asthma and I don’t have my pump and I die? Or, an ambulance delivers me to the hospital but it takes so long that I have to be intubated and now I’ve lost three teeth, but I have shitty health and dental because it’s through the army, so I go broke trying to pay medical bills in this garbage healthcare system. Then I wake up with an ET tube in my throat so now I have to deal with PTSD on top of John Henryism, plus probable loss of employment because I was on my way to work (because we are always on our fucking way to work in this country) and subsequent homelessness. If I get lucky–and pull myself up by my bootstraps afterwards–the missing teeth might make me unemployable.
What if the heart dropping terror of being pulled over in the first place makes me sweat through my clothes and look guilty? What if I would prefer not feeling or being threatened when innocent? What if–and this is a big what if–you could think more deeply about a complicated problem and approach it with the seriousness and resources to which you approach your own, instead of throwing fucking ice cream at it?